


Obi-Wan and the Castle Slrig Naf

by stormqueen873



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Absurdist Humor, Castle Anthrax, Gen, Monty Python Inspired Silliness, Obi-Wan Overwhelmed by Fangirls, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Poor Obi-Wan, References to Monty Python, Silly, but not really, no really, very very silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2016-02-09
Packaged: 2018-05-19 07:16:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5958493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stormqueen873/pseuds/stormqueen873
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mission goes horribly wrong and Obi-Wan finds himself taking shelter in a castle full of women devoted to... wait, who? Inspired by the Monty Python Castle Anthrax scene, and contains Obi-Wan, Anakin, and a whole lot of giddy fangirls.</p>
<p>Originally posted to fanfiction.net.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted both on the Jedi Council forums, as well as fanfiction.net, in September of 2006. I'm including my original notes from the story below, just a little edited to remove some of my girlish enthusiasm.
> 
> First, An absolutely huge thank you to Nienna_Narmolanya from the old Jedi Council forums for not only being my cheerleader in this, but for taking the time to beta it even when every time we turned around I was sending her new stuff. Thank you so much! (Wherever you've gone!)
> 
> Second, to every single person on the Obi-Wan-centric board in Resource; the antics of that thread is what really helped inspire me. May it continue to be as random and as wacky as I’ve come to enjoy!
> 
> Third, this fic was born from too much Monty Python one evening, and too much of the board mentioned above. It’s sort of a Star Wars meets Castle Anthrax crossover, because Obi-Wan as Sir Galahad would not leave my head.
> 
> Enjoy!

This, Obi-Wan decided, had to be one of the absolute worst missions he’d ever been assigned to.

He was trudging through some kind of dense forest, it was too dark to tell much other than that, and he was cold, wet, and miserable. He’d crash-landed on this awful planet a few hours ago after a nasty run-in with possibly the tightest planetary defenses he’d ever encountered, the turbolasers shooting him out of the sky before he even had a chance to blink. His ship lay scattered in pieces across the land, and by some miracle, he was still alive.

The moment he’d been certain of his landing, he’d hopped out of what little was left of his cockpit, his lips twisting briefly in annoyance. Nothing, save him and his lightsaber, had survived. His droid lay skewered in one of the trees, his supplies had been lost in the fall, but he had consoled himself with the knowledge that he was alive and his situation couldn’t get much worse.

Then it had started to rain.

It wasn’t anything like the rain on Coruscant, which was contrived purely for aesthetic purposes. This rain was heavy, like a pure curtain of water that bore down on him and nearly blurred everything in sight. Obi-Wan had stumbled towards the vague direction of the forest, heading blindly for the dark blur in the distance, hoping against hope that he would be granted some relief there.

The canopy did serve as sort of an umbrella, albeit not a very good one, but it was certainly better than being out in the open. Obi-Wan had intended to weather the storm at the edges of the forest, but eventually the chill and the gnawing pit of hunger in his stomach forced him to follow the muddy yet well-beaten path through the trees, part of him praying fervently that it led to civilization.

The mud was awful. It sucked at his feet with every step he took, and he thanked the Force he had boots on. He was up to his ankles in muck every time he moved, clutching his robe around his shivering form tightly, but the rain continued to leak through the branches overhead, making the ground even more difficult to walk on. He’d slipped a few times, nearly twisting his ankle when his foot caught in the mud and refused to turn.

He couldn’t decide which was worse, the rain or the mud.

 _This is just wonderful,_ he thought with a particularly nasty flash of bitterness when his foot caught in the mud again. He tugged, heaving himself forward, and a loud squelching sound echoed through the silence as he worked himself free.

So not only was he cold, wet, hungry, and tired, but the ground was conspiring against him, and there was no end to the path in sight. If he ever got back to the Temple, he was going to _kill_ Mace for this. The mission had been the Senior Jedi’s idea, sending Obi-Wan to this planet in hopes of contacting a group of people with extensive data on General Grievous and Count Dooku, but Mace had neglected to mention the powerful defenses or the awful climate.

 _You’d think,_ Obi-Wan thought as he trudged around a corner, _that he and the rest of the Council enjoy seeing me come back a complete wreck. Especially when you consider the number of times I’ve been subjected to these kinds of situations._

At least Anakin wasn’t with him. The young man didn’t have the knack for keeping his mouth shut when he was irritated, and any bitter complaining at this moment would’ve destroyed Obi-Wan’s last nerve.

_There!_

Relief made Obi-Wan dizzy as the path broadened suddenly, the forest thinning to reveal a great set of steps leading up off in the direction of a bright shape he tentatively identified as a fortress. It radiated warmth and light, burning through the chill that enveloped him, and he began to race up towards it, hope giving him newfound strength.

It was quite a while before he found himself before a huge set of wooden doors, huddling under the small awning that offered much-wanted protection from the storm. After a moment of searching for some sort of door chime, he began knocking, seeing no other way to alert the people inside of his presence.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been pounding on the wood, calling out occasionally and listening for a response, but it caught him completely off guard when the doors finally opened. He found himself lurching forward when they gave way and he was dumped unceremoniously on the ground, wondering why he hadn’t been able to sense the approach of whoever had opened them.

“Oh dear!” came a soft, breathy voice. “Are you hurt, good traveler? We never expected visitors at this hour of the night!”

Obi-Wan blinked a little, shaking his head and pushing himself up as the doors banged shut behind him. He peered up at the owner of the voice and blinked.

She was a surprisingly tall Human female, dressed in a simple pure white gown, her long brown hair drawn back into a thick braid. Her green eyes shone with deep concern as she knelt beside him, her slender hands coming to brush against his arm.

“You must forgive me,” he said, wiping at the mud and water on his face as she helped him stand. “My ship crashed out beyond the forest and I’ve been struggling through the storm for quite a while now. I hate to impose, but would it be possible for me to remain here until the weather dries up?”

“Of course!” the woman exclaimed, sounding stunned that he would be hesitant to ask. “We at the castle of _Slrig Naf_ never turn away those in need of our assistance, and you, kind sir, certainly need it. I shall have a set of rooms prepared for you, as well as a change of clothes brought up. Am I correct in assuming all your supplies were lost, Sir…?”

She tilted her head slightly to one side, lifting her sculpted eyebrows gently.

“Ah, forgive me for not introducing myself,” he said, dipping his head a little. “I am Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi.”

He never expected the gasps his name would incite. The woman at his side leapt away as though burned.

“Jedi _Master…!_ ”

“ _Obi-Wan Kenobi!_ ”

His head jerked up, startled by the furious whispers that swirled around him, and he found that the woman was trembling, her green eyes large with something he could only describe as awe.

He frowned inwardly at that, but dipped his head again. “You must forgive me if I have ventured to a place where I am unwelcome,” he said. “If you would be so kind as to direct me to another establishment, one where my presence would cause no pains to its inhabitants, I will leave at once.”

“Oh, _no!_ ” the woman breathed. “You have misunderstood, dear Jedi!” She stepped forward then, her face alight with joy. “We are most honored to have you here! Please, come, and I will explain everything.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t help the puzzled frown that rose to his lips as she slid her arm through his, drawing him away from the door and down the wide, brightly-lit hall. He looked around as they walked, his confusion growing as he saw females of every species, though most were Human, peer at him from behind pillars, peep through windows to different rooms, and all would giggle and vanish the moment he caught them staring.

“What sort of place is this?” he asked as they entered a true main hall, with hundreds of doors and many levels. It was circular, the ceiling high above constantly shifting to look like different skies, and he could hear girlish squeals as they caught sight of him and went fleeing into the depths of the castle. “Is it some kind of boarding school?”

“No, dear Jedi,” the woman said as she herded him towards a set of doors easily twice the size of the rest. He could see a few others like it and assumed they led off into various wings. “This is a haven of sorts, for women of all ages.”

“A haven?” he asked as the doors began to open. “From what?”

“I shall explain,” she murmured, “though it may come as a shock to you.”

Obi-Wan quirked an eyebrow as he glanced back to his guide. “You’ll find that little can shock me.”

Her lips twitched suspiciously as she shot him an oblique glance. “I’m sure, Master Kenobi,” she began, her eyes twinkling, “you’ll find that nothing you’ve encountered will prepare you for what I’m about to impart. Before I begin, I must ask. Why did you come to our planet? It is rather remote and completely devoid of sentient life, save for this castle and another.”

“It was a mission,” he said, frowning at her words. “The Council received a message informing us that there were a group of people on this planet that could tell us anything we wished to know concerning the movements of General Grievous and Count Dooku.”

The woman’s eyes darkened slightly and she pressed her lips together for a moment.

“Is that not true?” Obi-Wan asked after a moment of silence had passed between them.

“No, it is quite true,” she said with a sigh. “You see, Master Kenobi, the women in this castle are rather… ah, _devoted_ to major figures in the galaxy. Each woman has her favorite and they band together to follow the happenings concerning that certain person. There is an entire chapter devoted to Count Dooku and his general, and I would be more than happy to give you the information you seek.”

Obi-Wan smiled, pleased that his mission wouldn’t turn out to be a complete waste.

“However,” she began, her tone hardening, “I’m afraid that after tonight, you must be sent on your way, before your chapter has a chance to get their hands on you.”

Obi-Wan stopped dead.

He blinked.

“My… _what?_ ”

The woman turned to him, watching him curiously. “Your chapter, Master Kenobi. When I said each major figure had their own, surely you knew it included you as well?”

"But… but I’m…”

He was opening and closing his mouth uselessly, trying his hardest to wrap his mind around the piece of knowledge just thrown to him.

“As a matter of fact, it’s one of the largest chapters we have. The girls who run it are rather harmless and sweet, but I’ve seen what happens when they’re faced with a simple holo of you. I don’t want to even think of what would happen should they find themselves with a live version,” the woman was saying as she tugged him forward.

Obi-Wan gulped, chills of apprehension dancing down his spine. He cleared his throat before daring to voice the question in the forefront of his mind.

“How do they react?”

“The same way, I suppose, any normal female would, when faced with a handsome man,” the woman said and Obi-Wan’s brain stumbled.

“ _What?_ ”

“You are much too modest, Master Kenobi,” the woman said with a giggle. “Even I’ve heard tales of your humble nature, and we all find it rather endearing. Now come. We’ll stop off to get the information you require and then we’ll get you to some nice, secluded quarters where you won’t be bothered.”

Obi-Wan could only nod mutely as she pulled him down the corridor, chattering on about when the castle was built, how large it was, what a pain the defenses had been, etcetera, etcetera.

He hadn’t noticed it until then, but the Force was strangely silent in this place. He could feel it, certainly, and a quick test with one of the vases lining the hall told him he could still manipulate it, but none of the inhabitants seemed to register strongly. It was rather disconcerting to be unable to really sense the woman he could see standing right beside him, as all of his brushes with the Force were merely diverted gently.

“Erm,” he ventured at last, breaking her train of sentences. “I’m not in any danger, am I?”

He thought it best to ask, seeing as he was unable to tell if a female was going to suddenly come flying down the hall.

“Oh, no, Master Kenobi,” his guide replied, smiling brilliantly. “None of the women here could bring themselves to hurt you. Even those who are devoted to the more… _evil_ ones, you might say, won’t harm you, lest they bring the wrath of your chapter down on their heads.”

He swallowed. “That’s awfully reassuring,” he murmured, and the woman seemed oblivious to his sarcasm as she stopped before a door.

“You wait here, all right? These doors lead to our main control chamber. I’m going to get the information you requested, and then we’ll find out where your quarters are,” she said, smiling as she opened the door. “I’ll only be a moment!’

Obi-Wan shifted a little as the door shut, unable to help the pit of dread that had opened in his gut. There was a faint creak off to his left and he jumped in spite of himself, his head snapping in the direction of the sound.

 _Nothing,_ he thought, huffing at himself and shivering in his wet clothes.

“You must be Master Kenobi.”

Obi-Wan swore he jumped a meter at the sound of the new voice, inwardly cursing his inability to control himself. He spun around, coming face to face with an eager-eyed Human female, who peered up at him with naked awe.

“I am,” he said rather stiffly, the gleam in her gaze only making his apprehension grow.

“I thought so,” she said. “You’re rather dirty, but even grime can’t disguise your eyes. They’ve got the most distinctive shade; I’ve heard many arguments over their true color.”

“Really,” he murmured, backing towards the door his guide had disappeared into. “And you are?”

“I’ve been sent to take you to your quarters for the night. It’s taking Millie longer than expected to get the data she needs; Dooku’s chapter is up in arms over the situation. They don’t want to give up the information,” the girl said and before he could stop her, she’d latched onto his arm.

“If it’s all the same to you, I’d like to wait for her,” he said, frowning when she was able to drag him down the hall. He dug his heels in, but to no avail; the girl was shockingly strong.

“Nonsense,” the girl said, waving a hand as Obi-Wan tried prying her off discreetly with the Force.

His anxiety spiked; she wasn’t letting go.

“You’re cold, wet, and hungry, and Millie wasn’t about to be a rude host and let you catch your death in our halls,” the girl continued, her grip tightening, and Obi-Wan had to wonder if she’d somehow sensed his intentions. “We’ve got a nice set of robes waiting for you, as well as a feast prepared. You are more than welcome to bathe before you eat, as I’m sure you want to rid yourself of any lingering chill.”

“That is very kind,” he began, frowning as two more girls rushed forward, their gazes fixed on him hungrily.

“Master Kenobi!” one of them breathed, and to his horror, both knelt before him reverently.

“We were just informed of your arrival, so you’ll forgive us if the rooms are not to your liking,” the other said in hushed tones, both not even daring to glance at his boots until the girl latched to his side hit them both on the shoulders.

“Up, up!” she exclaimed, shooing them out of the way. “You are delaying us!”

“Forgive us!” they chorused, bowing repeatedly as the girl dragged Obi-Wan forward once more, heading towards the largest set of doors yet.

He gulped as they began to grind open, the loud creaking sound grating on his ears, and it took every shred of control he possessed not to run full tilt in the opposite direction. He was a Jedi, after all, and they faced their fears on a daily basis. Surely whatever was through those doors was nothing compared to the dangers he’d encountered on past missions.

The girl pulled him through the doors and Obi-Wan stopped dead at the sight that met him.

The room was gigantic, with arching, cavernous ceilings, and was lit brilliantly with thousands of candles. He could hear the faint trickle of water fountains, though he couldn’t see any, as the entire area was crowded with hundreds of women.

Oh, _Force_...

They were all watching him, their eyes shining with an expression that exacerbated his desire to flee. He’d never seen such a predatory gleam in eyes before, yet there it was, present on each and every face that stared at him.

“Ladies of the Court of _Ibonek Naw-Ibo_ , we have a very special guest for the night!” the girl at his side said, her voice ringing through the chamber. “Please welcome Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi!”

“Welcome, Master Kenobi!” they intoned, and a woman pushed her way from the crowd to kneel in a graceful bow.

“Master Kenobi,” she breathed. “It is my pleasure to welcome you to our court.”

She stood and spun before he could say anything in response, turning to face the collective of women. “Ladies, you’re dismissed to your duties! Senior members of the court, you may stay!”

Obi-Wan watched silently as practically every woman in the area shot him with another, hungry gleam before they reluctantly left. Only a handful remained, and each came forward to kneel as the first woman had done.

“We have prepared a set of beds for you, and I have taken the liberty of having a bath drawn, Master Kenobi,” the first woman said as the others stood. “Surely you would care to bathe before you eat?”

But Obi-Wan wasn’t listening. Now that all the women were gone, he could clearly see the rest of the room, and it was utterly disturbing.

The entire room was covered with life-size holos of him doing every task imaginable and at every age as well, from his early twenties to the most recent. He caught glimpses of himself running through katas, smiling at a fellow Jedi, laughing at something funny… How in the world they’d managed to obtain some of them made him wonder, especially when he saw a few of him washing his face in the morning.

His gaze continued to drift around the room, from the holos to the large fireplace directly across from him, and when he saw the absolutely huge holo above it, he nearly fainted.

It was a moving one, as most of them were, but this must’ve been created by one of the women. It caught the motion of him walking, as seen from the back, and then he stopped and glanced back over his shoulder. He smiled then, and turned to face whoever he had seen; in this case, it turned out to be the viewer of the holo. The impressive thing about it was how he morphed through his various ages at a steady interval. At times he was a teenager when he smiled, others, he was his current age.

 _I’ve fallen into the very place my guide wanted to keep me out of,_ he thought with steadily mounting horror. _Now that they’ve got me, I doubt they’re going to let me go…_

“Master Kenobi?” someone asked and he nodded distractedly, glancing over his shoulder at the doors, which were still open.

“Ah, yes, a bath would be fine,” he said, finally shrugging the grip of the girl beside him. He had to get out of here, before they shut him in. He had no intention of finding out what they really had planned for him, but the moment he moved towards the doors, he heard them bang shut.

He gulped again. _Trapped…_

“Oh, what awful hosts we are!” someone exclaimed as he stared at the sudden obstruction to his freedom. “You’re standing here, absolutely soaked! We need to get you out of those clothes before you get sick!”

And before Obi-Wan could register the words, they were upon him.

“Ladies, please!” he exclaimed, struggling against the sudden, pawing hands, and doing his best to control the panic steadily rising in his throat. “Simply show me to the bath; there is no need to remove- _ouch!_ ”

“Oh, forgive me, Master Kenobi! Your hair had several twigs knotted into it! I just couldn’t allow them to remain!”

He shot a glare at the girl in question, who was on her knees, bowing and scraping.

“Heavens, look at all this mud! Who was so callous to make you trudge through our forests with no protection against the elements? Rest assured, Master Kenobi, that we will do all in our power to ensure this does not happen again!”

“I thank you,” he said through clenched teeth, fighting off the hands that struggled to relieve him of his clothing. “But it is hardly necessary. I am a Jedi. These sorts of things tend to happen.”

“But they happen to you a disproportionate amount of the time! I think it’s high time we had a chat with your Council; we’ve longed to give them a piece of our minds! You’ve been tortured, kidnapped, been in more comas than any Jedi! Force, you even have a wing in the Healers named for you!”

Obi-Wan started at that. “How the blazes did you know?”

He received an exasperated look. “We are the Ladies of the Court of _Ibonek Naw-Ibo_ ,” was the reply. “We have sworn to uphold all things _Ibonek_ and have devoted our lives to following your adventures. We know all about you, from your off-key singing in the shower to your inability to cook a piece of toast properly.”

Obi-Wan was staggered into silence, his mouth falling open, and the women pounced on his state of shock. His robe was gone in a heartbeat, along with his tunic and belt.

_Force help me!_

“ _Ladies!_ ” he exclaimed, lurching away and clutching his pants tightly.

“Master Kenobi, we’re only thinking of your well-being!” one of the women said, he couldn’t tell who, as he was rapidly searching for which one held his utility belt. “Please let us remove the rest of those soaked garments so we can get you clean and dry!”

“ _Oof!_ ”

Obi-Wan found himself tackled from behind, hands grabbing at his boots.

“ _Stop!_ ” he exclaimed, wriggling as they managed to get his shoes off. “Ladies, please! I am quite capable of undressing myself!”

Hands reached for his pants, and he began swatting them away. “I do not need your assistance! Leave the rest of my clothes alone!”

Several cries of pain answered him when he slapped away more hands.

“My lady, he’s being stubborn! What should we do?”

“Hold him still! Go for his feet!” one of the women cried and hands flew to his shoulders, pressing him against the floor. Several more fastened around his ankles, and his eyes went wide when fingers brushed his bare soles.

Oh _no_ …

Obi-Wan started laughing and struggling even more furiously when the assault on his bare feet began. Nimble fingers danced across skin, tickling the life out of his poor feet and successfully preventing him from fending off the attack on his pants.

“ _S-stop!_ ” he gasped out, his back arching as he squirmed. He knew his movements were only helping them in their efforts to remove the clothing, but he couldn’t stop. His feet had always been his most vulnerable place; leave it to these women to know that!

Obi-Wan cried out when he felt hands fisting around the top of his pants; he couldn’t let them do this! He was a Jedi Knight, not some doll to be toyed with!

“Ladies,” he struggled to say, “I’m giving you fair warning! If you do not desist this instant-”

A particularly vicious attack on his feet rendered him incapable of speech, his sides aching from the laughter, and he’d had enough. These women were not going to be reasoned with, no matter what he said.

Summoning the Force, Obi-Wan threw them all off.

Rolling upright, he barely registered the cries of shock that his actions elicited. He spied his belt and tunic lying near the door and began racing towards them. He snatched them from the ground and forced the doors open before fleeing as fast as his legs could carry him.

He threw himself out into the hall, his head whipping around in an attempt to find an exit. It was no good; he couldn’t remember which way he’d come from.

“Master Kenobi, come back!”

He couldn’t help the blast of fear that filled him and he picked a direction at random. Holding his pants up with one hand and clutching his recovered clothes in the other, he began barreling down the hall, oblivious to the startled gasps that followed in his panicked wake.

 _Calm down!_ Part of him was urging repeatedly. He was a Jedi, he couldn’t forget that and start fearing a group of slightly deranged (well, more like utterly unbalanced) women who were determined to strip him. He’d faced worse things, right? What about that latest mission with Anakin, with the group of enraged beasts? Surely that had been terrifying, yet he’d remained relatively calm throughout the entire experience.

And what about the mission to Teala V, where he’d nearly died of food poisoning? Granted, he had been more concerned with the symptoms of his malady and hadn’t had the capacity of thought to be frightened, but the point was he wasn’t afraid of death.

So why did this group of women scare the living daylights out of him?

“Master Kenobi, _wait!_ ”

Force help him, they were gaining!

_Hide!_

He ducked down a corridor at random, throwing open another set of doors and rushing inside.

Surprised gasps met him and Obi-Wan stopped dead, his eyes going wide.

_Oops._

He gulped as he looked around, taking in the opulence of his surroundings. The floor was covered with rich, deep green rugs and plump, oversized pillows, which countless Human women lounged upon, clad in sheer, white gowns. They all turned to stare at him and he was about to start backing out of the room when his gaze landed on the only male figure in the area. He was reclined on a large chaise, dressed in green silks, a nearby woman feeding him some sort of fruit while another massaged his feet.

Obi-Wan’s jaw dropped when a familiar pair of deep blue eyes turned to look at him.

“Qui-Gon?” he squeaked, his head suddenly spinning, and watched the man blink in surprise.

“Obi-Wan? What in the world are you doing here?”

But Obi-Wan couldn’t respond. The spinning had grown worse and he did the only thing he could do when faced with his current situation.

He fainted.


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan has a friendly chat with his former Master.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to fanfiction.net in September of 2006.

A woman came barreling into the room soon after Obi-Wan had hit the carpet, her green eyes wild and her braid completely undone.

"Please forgive my intrusion!” she exclaimed with a hasty bow. “But have you seen Master Kenobi? I traced him…”

Her gaze drifted downwards when a nearby woman pointed at the floor and her eyes went wider.

“Oh dear.”

***

Anakin froze in the middle of the hall in the Jedi Temple, his eyes going wide. The stack of datapads he’d been carrying for Master Yoda tumbled from his fingers.

His vision blurred and the familiar figure of his old Master swam before his eyes.

“Obi-Wan?” he whispered, watching as the man collapsed, surrounded by hazy beings in white clothes, who closed in on all sides. Obi-Wan’s deep shock had blasted through the remnants of their bond only moments ago, despite the great distance that separated them, and Anakin was left with the bitter feeling of loss.

“Knight Skywalker?”

Master Yoda’s voice shook him from his reverie and he blinked down at the ancient Jedi.

“Something has happened,” he whispered, his fists clenching, and he turned away, intending to head towards the Temple hanger. “Obi-Wan is in grave danger. I’ve got to go to him.”

Master Yoda’s eyes widened faintly. “Hm,” the Jedi murmured, his clawed fingers drumming along the lip of his hover chair. “Go we must, to the Council. Alert them, we should.”

Anakin froze a second time, staring at Master Yoda. The Jedi almost never acted on Anakin’s visions, unless the situation was truly serious.

_We’ve got to hurry then,_ he thought as he began to run after the Jedi Master, who was putting the speed of his hover chair to good use. _I only hope Obi-Wan is still in one piece when we’re able to get to him._

***

Obi-Wan slowly drifted into consciousness, groaning as his mind became aware of each and every ache of his body. His shoulder was throbbing, his feet were sore, and his head felt strange. Had he hit it on something?

“Master Kenobi?”

He blinked at the sound of his name, his eyes fluttering open to focus on a figure poised at his bedside.

“Master Kenobi, are you all right? You collapsed over an hour ago,” the figure continued, a hand gently touching his arm. “I apologize for the women of your chapter. They locked me in the control room and I had to crawl through the ventilation shaft in order to get out.”

His… chapter?

Obi-Wan gasped, jerking upright when current events flooded back.

“Where am I?” he demanded, his eyes quickly searching his surroundings for any sign of those deranged women.

“You’re safe now,” his guide replied, taking a seat. “These are the rooms I had intended to assign to you, before the ladies of your court got a hold of you.”

“What kind of castle is this?” he asked, frowning deeply at the woman when he recalled the person he’d seen before his mind had essentially imploded. “And I didn’t really stumble upon… well, who I think I stumbled upon, did I?”

“You mean Master Jinn?” the woman asked, a note of exasperation in her voice. “It’s all very complicated, but yes, you did.”

Obi-Wan sank into the bed, dumbfounded.

“Before you start,” she continued, “yes, he died. Master Kenobi, what are you doing? Please, return to your bed! You need your rest!”

Obi-Wan was already marching towards the door, an odd sensation running through his veins. He snatched up his damp tunic from where it lay draped over a chair, thrust it over his head, and secured his belt.

“Master Kenobi!”

He threw open the door, intending to find his way back to the room he’d stumbled upon, and nearly collapsed a second time when he saw who waited in the hall.

“Ah, Obi-Wan,” the man said, rising from a chair and smiling warmly.

“Master Jinn, please forgive me,” a woman called from behind him. “I was unable to fully explain the situation.”

“It is quite all right, Millie. Leave it to me,” the man said, the familiar voice making Obi-Wan clutch the nearest wall.

“You can’t be _real_ ,” he breathed, backing away a little and watching as a very live Qui-Gon Jinn quirked an eyebrow.

“Obi-Wan, do relax. That nervous twitch of yours has appeared again,” the man said, ushering them back into the room. “Millie, please bring several shots of your strongest spirit; I believe my old apprentice is going to need it.”

“But I don’t-” Obi-Wan began as he was pushed towards the bed.

“I said you needed to relax; I don’t care if you don’t drink. Now sit!”

Obi-Wan sat.

“This, Obi-Wan, is the Castle _Slrig Naf_ , which, as you have discovered, is made up entirely of women who have devoted themselves to following the lives of important male galactic figures, from Jedi to politicians. Female figures are revered in this planet’s other fortress, the Castle _Syob Naf_ , and together the two comprise the entire planet, whose name is _Ecrof Naf_.”

“I know all that,” he snapped, watching as the other took the seat his guide had recently occupied. “And frankly, I don’t care. I want to know why the _blazes_ you’re alive and haven’t returned to the Temple!”

Qui-Gon heaved a rather dramatic sigh. “Obi-Wan, I know you’re upset-”

“Of course I’m upset! I watched you die! I held you, Force, I _cried_ , and then I was saddled with an apprentice who nearly killed me twice a week! I’m surprised my hair isn’t completely grey, considering that the amount of near-death experiences I had after taking Anakin as a padawan quadrupled!”

Qui-Gon actually chuckled and Obi-Wan glared at him.

“You think that’s funny?”

“Of course I do, Obi-Wan,” the man replied calmly. “You were as troublesome as an apprentice as Anakin was.”

Obi-Wan scowled. “No I wasn’t.”

“I hate to disturb your rather high opinion of yourself, but yes you were.”

“No I wasn’t.”

“Yes you were.”

“No I-”

“Masters?” a tentative voice called, and they turned to see Millie standing in the doorway, carrying a tray with an unmarked bottle and two small shot glasses. “The drinks you ordered, Master Jinn.”

“Ah, thank you,” he said, motioning towards a small table. “Here, Obi-Wan. Have some; you certainly need it.”

His scowl deepened. “You’re avoiding my question, Jinn,” he growled. “Why are you alive?”

Qui-Gon heaved another sigh. “I’m not alive, technically, at least. As I’m sure Millie tried to say, it’s all rather complicated. So I’ll give you the condensed version,” he said as he filled both glasses.

“In my extensive studies of ancient Jedi texts-” Obi-Wan snorted and Qui-Gon fixed him with a warning glare before continuing. “I came across a way to retain your consciousness after you die. I’ve been using it ever since to communicate with Yoda.”

“Why-” Obi-Wan began, but Qui-Gon held up a hand.

“To make a long story short, it wasn’t long before I discovered a way to regain my physical form, if only for a short while. As you can see, I’m already starting to fade,” Qui-Gon said, holding up a hand that looked decidedly transparent. “It takes a lot of energy to regain this form and I wouldn’t have been able to do it if it weren’t for the women here.”

“Why-” Obi-Wan began again, but was silenced by a wave of Qui-Gon’s hand.

“I haven’t gone back to the Temple simply because the technology required to return me to my form is only found on this planet, and in the time it would take to get from here to Coruscant, I would be a ghost again,” Qui-Gon said. “Besides, I rather enjoy being pampered, and the ladies here do such a wonderful job of it.”

Obi-Wan snatched up the nearest glass and downed its contents swiftly.

“So the real reason you haven’t come back is because you’re too busy enjoying meaningless comforts?” he asked, a hard note to his voice, and Qui-Gon raised his eyes to the ceiling, uttering yet another heavy sigh.

“There is only so much I can do as a spirit, Obi-Wan,” the former Jedi said, his gaze drifting back down. “Why do you think all those near-death experiences have been merely _near_ and not complete? And what about that voice in the back of your mind that kept reminding you that beheading your padawan would only land you in prison? I have been doing my best to look out for you, despite everything.”

Obi-Wan frowned before downing the second shot and Qui-Gon silently refilled both glasses.

“Then why didn’t you reveal the truth?” Obi-Wan asked, unable to control the waver in his voice, and Qui-Gon rolled his eyes.

“Your temperament of late, my dear, former padawan, hasn’t been at its strongest, now has it?” the man said, raising both eyebrows as Obi-Wan tossed back a third shot. “I’ve seen you sedated more times than I can possibly count, all due to the antics of your caring apprentice, and I thought it best to wait until you reached a calmer state of mind.”

“That is very true,” Obi-Wan said, reaching for the fourth shot, but Qui-Gon snatched it away.

“Now, Obi-Wan, while you are here, I suggest you take some time to put your feet up and relax,” Qui-Gon said, tossing back the liqueur and corking the bottle. “The ladies of your chapter, though extremely over-zealous in their devotion, are more than willing to obey your every whim.”

Obi-Wan couldn’t stop the derisive snort that escaped him. “As shown beautifully by their blatant disregard when I told them to quit stripping me,” he muttered, folding his arms over his chest, and Qui-Gon tugged on his beard to hide the smile Obi-Wan knew had risen to his lips.

“Oh, I think you’ll find them rather apologetic, considering the way Millie was yelling at them earlier,” Qui-Gon said, standing. “She threatened to toss them from the castle if she ever heard of a repeat of the situation.”

There was a knock at the door that interrupted Obi-Wan’s attempt to reply, and he stiffened when a rather familiar group of women entered.

“Master Kenobi,” they breathed, dropping to their hands and knees and touching their foreheads to the floor. “Please forgive us! In our attempts to look after your health, we unfortunately over-stepped ourselves and caused you great distress!”

Obi-Wan shifted uncomfortably as he glanced at Qui-Gon, who was fighting off another smile.

“Jedi do not hold grudges,” he said after a moment, scooting away from them when they lifted their heads, their eyes shining with hope.

“Then you will allow us a chance to prove how deeply we regret our earlier actions?” one said, her voice trembling, and Obi-Wan squirmed.

“While we do not hold grudges, Jedi are encouraged to learn from their mistakes,” he said, trying to ignore the pleading expressions. “I couldn’t possibly return with you, lest another, similar event occur, and-”

“Master Kenobi!” one exclaimed, her tone scandalized. “We too follow this maxim! Please allow us to show how acutely we feel the wrong we committed! Surely you would not be so ungallant as to refuse?”

Obi-Wan shot a sour look at Qui-Gon, whose shoulders were distinctly shaking with suppressed chuckles.

“Well…”

“Master Kenobi, we are only trying to be hospitable! To refuse our offer would be most unworthy of your character!”

“Oh all right,” he said with exasperation and grimaced when all the women shot to their feet, each one positively beaming. “But no ignoring me when I tell you to stop something!”

“Of course, Master Kenobi!” they chorused, some clapping their hands in joy. “Please, follow us and we will take you to the bathing room! There’s a nice, hot bath ready and waiting!”

They waited patiently for him to stand and follow, and he sent one final glower at Qui-Gon before trailing after them.

“Remember, padawan!” his old master’s voice called to him. “Relax! You’ll find yourself enjoying it before long!”


	3. Part Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Obi-Wan finds himself enjoying the castle, when his stay is rudely interrupted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted to fanfiction.net in September of 2006.

Obi-Wan found himself following his master’s advice, and before long, he was resting atop a plush chaise upholstered in the finest silk, eating the best meal he’d had in a long while.

His bath had been luxurious; he’d never had the time or the luxury to stretch out in an oversized tub, in water hot enough to relax every muscle in his body. He’d washed off in a shower nearby before going to soak, and he would’ve fallen asleep if one of the women hadn’t knocked in concern.

He’d dressed in loose-fitting, whispery silk robes, slightly surprised to find himself practically purring in delight as the fabric slid across his skin. He’d been led back to the main room then, and instructed to sit as a girl shyly approached with a set of brushes and combs, asking permission to dry and brush his hair. He’d consented as he watched a group of women bring forth a veritable feast, the smells making his stomach grumble in anticipation.

The motion of having his hair brushed had nearly been enough to send him to sleep all over again, but a gentle shake and the sight of a dish of steaming food was more than enough to snap him from his stupor.

Music and dance was brought forth for his enjoyment, and as he lounged, eating his way through his second helping of the main dish, he found himself relaxing to a point he never would’ve expected.

_So this is how kings live?_

He settled onto the chaise, tucking his feet beneath him, and speared a piece of the meat. It had a delicious tang to it from some unknown marinade, and the texture was the perfect consistency so that it didn’t require a knife.

“How are you enjoying your meal, Master Kenobi?” a young woman asked in soft tones, her gaze flicking up to him shyly.

“It is absolutely first rate,” he said, throwing her a smile, which caused her to blush a vibrant shade of red. She opened her mouth to reply but her voice came out as a rather pathetic squeak, and she hurried away.

Obi-Wan watched her go, raising one of his eyebrows slightly. And here Anakin thought _he_ was the Lady-killer…

_Perhaps I do give myself too little credit,_ he thought before tramping that thought down. Jedi did not purposely feed their own egos. He had to remind himself that he was merely enjoying a well-deserved rest, and that once he was finally allowed to leave, he would never return.

Jedi didn’t crave these sorts of things, after all.

He turned his attention back to the entertainment, marveling at the carefully choreographed display of dancing, the women shifting and swaying as they wove a story with their movements. It was both haunting and beautiful at the same time, touching him to the depths of his heart. He turned to the woman who stood beside him, the one who appeared to be in charge of this court, intending to ask what the dance meant.

“My lady-”

The doors burst open suddenly, the wood splintering and flying in all directions, and absolute panic broke out around him. The room was transformed into a veritable stampede as women began screaming and running away, and Obi-Wan groaned when he sensed a very familiar presence.

_Why couldn’t he have shown up_ before _I found myself here?_

“Master!” came the shout over the high-pitched screams, but Obi-Wan remained seated on the chaise, watching as women rushed past him.

Maybe Anakin wouldn’t see him in the confusion.

“There you are! Master, come on! We’ve got to get out of here!”

_Drat._

Obi-Wan lifted his head calmly from his meal, fixing Anakin with a decidedly frosty look when the young man pushed his way through the crowd to stand before him. He was absolutely soaked, his dark tunic clinging to his muscled frame, but his lightsaber burned in his hand, and Obi-Wan could see at least a dozen other Jedi spreading out around them in an attempt to cover their planned escape.

“I gather it’s still raining,” Obi-Wan said as he began munching on a vegetable.

Anakin frowned, his mouth slightly opened as he’d meant to urge his former Master into action. “Well, yes,” Anakin said, his carefully planned speech thrown into utter disarray at the sight of the rather comfortable-looking Jedi.

“And is the ship in one piece?” Obi-Wan asked, finishing off the last of his meal.

“Mostly,” Anakin replied, his frown deepening. “What are you getting at? We’ve got to get out of here, before those women decide to overwhelm us!”

“They’re not going to overwhelm you,” Obi-Wan said as he set the plate aside and leaned back on the chaise. “They’re relatively harmless, actually, when they’re not looking out for your well-being.”

“Huh?”

“Anakin, in case you hadn’t noticed, I happen to be in the middle of a relaxing evening. I have had to trudge through a nasty storm and spent hours soaking wet, and I’d hoped to enjoy a quiet meal,” he said, taking a sip of wine. “Why don’t you go introduce yourself to the Lady of the castle? I’m sure she’d be more than willing to put you and the others up for the night.”

“Skywalker, what is taking so long?” came Mace’s impatient shout and the man appeared at Anakin’s side, frowning heavily at the two of them.

“I think they’ve drugged him, Master Windu,” Anakin said, fixing a wary gaze on Obi-Wan, who huffed and rolled his eyes.

“Drugged him?” Mace asked, concern melting into his gaze.

“Yes. He wants to stay,” Anakin replied.

“I am quite capable of making responses,” Obi-Wan interrupted, his tone waspish. “And I most certainly have not been drugged. Do I seem completely insensible?”

Mace and Anakin shared a look.

“Just grab him and let’s get out of here,” Mace said, looking around hastily. “This place is an enigma to the Force; it registers strangely. The sooner we get off-world the better.”

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” Anakin said, and before Obi-Wan could stop him, he snatched up his former Master.

“Full retreat!” Mace yelled, the Force rippling with his command, and the Jedi began hurrying towards the exit.

“Anakin, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my legs,” Obi-Wan said from his rather undignified position, slung over the Knight’s shoulder as he was. “If you put me down, you’ll find I am fully able to walk.”

“We’ll go faster like this,” Anakin grunted as the party began fleeing down a hall, following their path of destruction out of the castle.

“ _They’re taking Master Kenobi!_ ”

Cries of utter dismay rose up in their wake, and Obi-Wan could see the women of his chapter pulling themselves together rapidly.

“Of course we will, my former padawan,” Obi-Wan drawled, quirking an eyebrow at the sight of hundreds of women surging after them. “I’ll slow you down just enough so that the rampaging herd of women can catch up.”

“ _What?_ ” Anakin demanded, turning briefly and gasping in horror.

“Listen, Anakin, just set me down,” Obi-Wan reasoned as the Knight put on more speed. “I am more than able to handle this sort of situation.”

“No you’re not, Master,” Anakin shot back through clenched teeth.

“Yes I am, padawan. Now set me down!”

“Obi-Wan, this particular situation is beyond you; you’re just too drugged to see it. Those witches have done something to your judgment!”

“Anakin, my judgment is just fine. Am I a Jedi Master, or not? Aren’t you required to obey my orders?”

“Yes, Master, but only when they are sensible. You were in grave peril; I could feel it.”

“Jedi face peril, Anakin. Now set me down so I can do my job.”

“No can do, Master. The situation is much too perilous.”

Obi-Wan heaved an exasperated sigh as they burst from the castle, the ruined doors swinging sadly behind them. The rain was upon them in an instant, soaking him to the bone for the second time that day, and Obi-Wan had to work hard to siphon away his mounting frustration.

“Anakin,” he said after a moment, an idea occurring to him. “You do know what kind of castle that was, don’t you?”

The Knight was silent for a moment. “One full of lots of peril?”

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes, though Anakin couldn’t see it. “It’s full of women who have devoted their lives to studying major figures of the galaxy. As far as I can ascertain, pretty much every Jedi has a following there, and my chapter happens to be one of the largest groups. Yours is about the same size.”

“That’s nice,” Anakin muttered as they began flying down the steps.

“You don’t get it, do you?” Obi-Wan shot back. “What do you think such a group of women would do when faced with the object of their study? When faced with someone they essentially worship?”

Anakin froze; Obi-Wan could practically feel the gears turning in his head.

“You mean… I have a following?”

“Yes.”

“And they’d do anything…!”

“Within reason, I’m sure.”

Anakin spun around and began bounding back up the steps, though he didn’t put Obi-Wan down, who was jostled violently all over again.

“Skywalker! Where the blazes are you going?”

“These are the people with the information we seek, Mace!” Obi-Wan called to the distant figures. “You interrupted my mission, which was proceeding perfectly! Anakin and I will be back in a week with the data we need; don’t worry about us!”

“But…”

“Just go, Mace! We’ll be fine!” he called as the figures vanished from sight and he tapped Anakin on the shoulder.

“Set me down _now_ , padawan, before I force you to,” he commanded, and Anakin did exactly as ordered. “Thank you.”

“You really are rather devious, Master,” Anakin murmured as they began their ascent back to the castle. Obi-Wan could see a crowd of women waiting for them, anxious expressions on their faces.

“Whatever do you mean, Anakin? This is a mission; treat it as such.”

“Master Kenobi, you’re soaked all over again! What in the world happened?” a woman called to him as they neared, and Obi-Wan gave her a smile.

“Simply an unfortunate misunderstanding. I hope you can forgive my former padawan for the destruction he has caused,” Obi-Wan said as they entered the castle, and the surrounding women uttered gasps of surprise.

“ _Knight Skywalker!_ ”

“Impossible!”

Obi-Wan nearly smirked at the uneasy smile that rose to Anakin’s lips as furious whispers broke out around them.

“Why don’t you introduce him to his chapter?” he suggested and two women raced forward to latch onto the other Jedi.

“Now wait-”

“Oh, Knight Skywalker, you’ll catch your death like this! How can you stand to be soaking wet?” one of the girls cooed as they began to drag him off into the depths of the castle, and Obi-Wan accepted the towel handed to him gratefully.

“Um, Jedi deal with the unexpected,” came Anakin’s response, followed by an uncharacteristic shriek.

“That’s my tunic!”

Another shriek.

“My _belt!_ ”

A general cacophony of female voices rose up around Anakin’s screams and Obi-Wan drifted back towards his chapter’s quarters, finally letting the smirk rise to his lips.

“Master, _help!_ ”

“They’re only females, Anakin,” he called as he requested another bath to be drawn. “Why do you need my help with them?”

“ _Please!_ ”

Obi-Wan glanced over his shoulder at two of the higher-ranking members of his chapter. “Rescue him.”

“We will do our best, Master Kenobi,” they chorused, and went to look for Millie.

***

“We’re now entering hyperspace, Master Windu.”

Mace smiled at the pilot of the craft, nodding a little. It felt good to be flying away from that strange planet; he’d never sensed anything like it before. While the world around the people present had appeared utterly normal, the beings themselves had been veritable blank spots in the fabric of the Force.

“Do you think it is wise to leave Master Kenobi and Knight Skywalker there?” a Master beside him asked. “Master Yoda was quite adamant about traveling to that planet to rescue them, and yet we have not done so.”

Mace shrugged a little. “I trust Obi-Wan’s judgment. If he says the mission was going fine, then it was doing just that.”

“Hm,” the Master murmured as the two of them left the cockpit, heading towards the galley. “I do admit that obtaining extensive technical data on Dooku and Grievous would be an excellent thing…”

“All the more reason to leave the two of them there,” Mace said as they joined several other Jedi for a meal. “Obi-Wan didn’t appear to be in any danger, now that I think of it. Skywalker must’ve just misinterpreted the vision he had.”

“But didn’t Master Yoda agree with him?”

Mace frowned a little. “He did. We ought to ask him about it then,” he said, looking around the room.

His frown deepened. Where was Yoda?

The other Master appeared to realize the same thing, and the two looked at each other with a sharp blast of worry.

Surely they hadn’t left him on the planet…?

“I’ll head back to the cockpit and see what I can do about turning this ship around,” Mace said. “You gather the Jedi and sweep the ship.”

“Of course.”

***

“Master, I’ve got to admit,” Anakin began, taking another bite of the delicious meal before him. He and Obi-Wan currently sat in the main chamber of his chapter, as Obi-Wan’s was undergoing repairs from the damage Anakin had unintentionally inflicted, with Anakin enjoying a hot meal.

“This is possibly the best idea you’ve ever had.”

There was a snort that was slightly muffled by the chaise Obi-Wan presently occupied. He was lying on his stomach as a woman massaged his back, and he turned his head to give Anakin a rather dark look.

“That, my former padawan, is why I-”

He trailed off into a low groan as the woman hit a particularly tense spot and Anakin uttered a snort of his own.

“Master, you’re drooling all over that piece of furniture,” he said, watching as Obi-Wan shot him another dark look before his eyes glazed over from the massage.

“You must forgive me, Master Kenobi,” the woman said softly as Anakin smirked and went back to his meal. “Your back has so many knots in it I’m surprised you can even move properly.”

“Mm,” Obi-Wan replied, shutting his eyes. “By all means, remove them.”

“I will try,” she said, “but it might be a bit painful. Knots are awful when attempting to work them loose.”

“I am not that fragile,” Obi-Wan said and Anakin swore he heard an exasperated note to his former Master’s voice. “I can stand physical pain.”

“If you insist…”

Anakin choked on his drink when Obi-Wan uttered a rather undignified screech. The woman leapt from her position, bowing repeatedly for forgiveness, while Obi-Wan clutched his shoulder, rotating it gingerly.

“What the _blazes_ was that for?” he demanded.

“A thousand apologies, Master Kenobi! That was my attempt to work a knot loose!”

Obi-Wan huffed slightly, throwing Anakin a rather nasty glower because he was snickering into his dish, and repositioned himself on the chaise.

“I’m sure you can find a gentler way,” he said and the woman resumed her operation.

“So how big is this castle?” Anakin asked once things had settled down, and another woman had refilled his glass with the best wine he’d ever tasted. “About how many women live here?”

“Oh, there are thousands, Knight Skywalker,” a girl replied. “We haven’t done an official tally, though I suppose we ought to.”

Anakin looked up at the sound of a rather strange horn, frowning as he saw the beginnings of a rather intricate procession through the opened doors. Two women wrapped in some kind of whispery green material were tossing petals into the air, while several more carried several sticks of incense.

“Oh, someone shut the door,” Anakin heard someone mutter. “Seeing such a display just turns my stomach.”

Anakin raised his eyebrows, curious now, and just before the doors closed completely, he caught a glimpse of a large palanquin strewn with plump pillows, a single, small figure lounging atop it and enjoying some sort of fruit as he was carried through the halls.

Anakin’s eyes widened.

_Master Yoda?_

“I can’t believe they’re doing this,” someone else muttered. “They think they’re the best chapter around simply because he’s such an old, powerful Jedi. I’d like to see their reactions if we tried something similar!”

Anakin turned to look at Obi-Wan, his expression still slack-jawed. “Master, did you just see that?” he whispered, and watched as the other man squeezed his eyes shut, burrowing his head into the pillow.

“I don’t want to know, Anakin. I _really_ don’t want to know.”

***


End file.
